I'm Setting Major Boundaries With My Latine Family This "¿Y Tu Novio?" Season

The holiday season is a time many cherish, filled with warmth, laughter, and the comforting feeling of being around loved ones. As a Latina, I have always relished the joyous chaos that comes with getting together with the familia during this time of the year. The loud conversations and laughs, the aroma of traditional dishes that fill the air — all brief moments where we are all connected by shared history and traditions. However, for the past two years, the holiday season has taken on a different tone for me — a season marked by the dreaded "¿Y tu novio?" question. As a newly single woman navigating her late 30s, this question has become a source of pressure, discomfort, and anxiety. This year, I am determined to reclaim my holiday joy by setting major boundaries and addressing this issue head-on.

The hardships of single motherhood have always inspired my mother to want something different for me. It has always been her dream to see me happily married and thriving as a mother. The impact this dream has had on my own views surrounding marriage and motherhood only became evident after I found myself single in my late 30s after breaking off an engagement.

Once confident in the trajectory of my life, envisioning marriage and children, the break-up left me grappling with the overwhelming pressure to adhere to societal norms and familial dreams. Cultural pressures play a significant role in shaping the expectations placed on Latina women in terms of marriage and motherhood. Research indicates that Latinas in the United States often face societal and cultural pressures to marry at younger ages and start families sooner. Familismo and Catholicism (or any other Christian-conservative denomination) further contribute to these expectations, placing a heavy burden on women to fulfill traditional roles. The fear of daughters embracing being "soltera" past a certain age within traditional Latine families underscores the danger of perpetuating limiting mindsets that stigmatize singlehood and overlook the diverse paths to fulfillment. However, as times have changed, more women are prioritizing their careers, embracing independence, and challenging societal norms.

Breaking free from a long-term relationship brought about its own set of challenges. As my engagement dissolved, I found myself grappling not only with the emotional aftermath but also with the expectations and projections from my family, particularly my mother. A new set of fears entered the chat — the fear of never having children and forming a family. With this came the pressure to settle and concerns surrounding my biological clock became looming shadows and were all issues that I was forced to confront. The questions and comments from relatives and family friends only intensified the pressure to live up to everyone's expectations.

The financial realities of freezing eggs added an additional layer to this complex narrative. While the idea might be appealing, it isn't financially viable for all Latinas. Fortunately, the narrative is shifting, and it's crucial to recognize that not only do women no longer need a man to define their worth. But we also don't need to become mothers to live rich and fulfilling lives. There is so much more to us than being someone's wife or mother. As a journalist living independently in an apartment in NYC, I am self-sufficient in navigating my career, paying bills, and taking care of myself — all without a partner.

Therapy has played a pivotal role in shifting my focus from finding a partner to cultivating a sense of self-fulfillment. I'm learning the importance of prioritizing my well-being and happiness while challenging the societal narrative that suggests a woman needs to settle down with a partner to have a fulfilling life.

I know that my relationship status does not determine my worth and this holiday season, I am prepared to check my mother and any other relatives any time they inquire about my relationship status. While I am aware that a family member's intentions when asking that question may not come from a bad place, it can come off as insensitive, and triggering and can spotlight some of our own insecurities. As I plan to spend Noche Buena with my family, I am determined to handle the inevitable "¿Y tu novio?" question gracefully yet assertively.

I've drafted mini-speeches which includes expressing gratitude for their concern but firmly stating that my relationship status does not determine my worth. I've also prepared witty one-liners such as "I'm currently taking applications! Know anyone?" as a way to deflect while answering the question.

Part of my healing journey post-breakup was reaching a place where I'm at peace with my singlehood, embracing the uncertainty of the future while focusing on feeling complete on my terms.

For fellow Latinas navigating similar pressures, particularly during the holiday season, my advice is to prioritize self-love and set boundaries. It's essential to communicate openly with family members about the impact of their questions and expectations. Embrace the beauty of your independence, and remember that your worth extends far beyond societal expectations. This ¿Y Tu Novio? season, let's redefine happiness and fulfillment on our own terms.