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Where Do You Stand? Marrying Young

Wed, 09/03/2008 - 9:00am by DearSugar
1,130 Views - 55 comments

I was having a conversation with a friend last night about how her BFF from college is getting divorced from her college sweetheart after only two years of marriage. While I know many young relationships flourish, I have to say I wasn't all that surprised by her news — people grow leaps and bounds in their 20's and it's common to see life in a whole new light, much differently from your school days. I look back on my college relationship now and realize how wrong we were for each other, but that's just me, so tell me where you stand on marrying young. Do you think age is just a number, or do you think regardless of the relationship, it's better to wait for more life experience before saying "I do" to someone you met when you were young and inexperienced?

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  • MissJules5x's picture
    MissJules5x
    1

    i dont think it has all htat much to do with age and all to do with maturity, and what point of your life youre in when you get married. i am 23. serious with my boyfriend yet definitely not ready to get married anytime soon.

    my grandparents started dating when they were 13 and got married at 16 and they are completely inseparable almost 50 years later.

    it really does just depend on the couple, where they are in life and where they are going and they just have to be on the same page as they are growing.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • Lovely_1's picture
    Lovely_1
    2

    and it depends on if your ready too.

    My mom was 21 when she got married, my dad was 27. 24 years later they are still together and in love.

    My boyfriend and I are both 21 and have lived together for over a year. We definatly aren't getting married anytime soon, but I think we will. We both want to be secure and "sure" before we make that commitment. Meaning good house, stable jobs and sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. He comes from a divorced fmaily and said he NEVER wants to put his children through that.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • sonya ina's picture
    sonya ina
    3

    How young is young anyway? People seem to be growing up so much faster these days. I was 24 and my husband was 25 when we got married. I guess that's pretty young, but we knew we were ready. I really do think age is just a number. What's more important is that the people truly know each other, are honest with each other, and respect one another. Too many people just fall in love with the idea of getting married. Of course, sometimes people change, but people change when they are older too... well into their 50's and 60's. Get married when you think you're ready, just make sure you're not rushing into anything you're not truly prepared for!

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • MartiniLush's picture
    MartiniLush
    4

    I agree that it totally depends on the couple. I married my husband really young and we are still together - nearly 16 years later! Smiling

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • bbkf's picture
    bbkf
    5

    I think it's completely variable depending on the couple. My husbands parents married at 19 and have been happily married for 40 years now. My parents married at 33 and 36 and had a terrible, short marriage.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • cubadog's picture
    cubadog
    6

    It depends on the couple. I am not married but at my 20 year reunion there were a ton of people that started dating in high school that are still together. I was pretty shocked but it was also very cool to see.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • popgoestheworld's picture
    popgoestheworld
    7

    I think "young" changes with the time. It's not very remarkable to hear about grandparents or parents who married at 19 & 20 but that seems to be less and less common for today's generation.

    I think that each relationship is different and it's hard to make a blanket statement about something that personal.

    For me, I'm glad that I didn't get married young for a variety of reasons. But I see no reason why it would be wrong for others.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • Marni7's picture
    Marni7
    8

    It really depends on the couple and their individual experience. I know some couples that have been together forever and then there's my grandma..she was divorced with 2 kids by the time she was 18! that was a different time tho...either way, everyone's experience is different

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • LaDolceVita's picture
    LaDolceVita
    9

    I got married when I was 19. Although it is hard like in ANY relationship we are still together and happier then ever. The first years are the hardest, but once you get passed those, it's so much better! NO REGRETS!

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • wadewifey3's picture
    wadewifey3
    10

    I don't have a problem with it. I think 25 is a pretty young to get married and that's cool with me. Less than that, hmmmm, maybe if i had been dating him for like 5 years. IDK, I haven't been thinking about marriage.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • mn48225's picture
    mn48225
    11

    I think age does matter. (Of course, it depends on who it is, too!) When we think of age, we always equate it to life experiences. Aging means you've had more time to experience life and to take it all in. And, some of us at 18 or 19, have nothing to our name and no experiences under out belt. So, how would you really know that marriage and kids is really for you?

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • catita85's picture
    catita85
    12

    My parents were married at 20 & 23, done having kids at 27& 30 and are celebrating their 30th anniversary in November..
    That said, I´m 23, single, and I see myself married at 28, 29.. who knows?
    I think it young marriages depend on the couple, their relationship and a lot of other issues.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • javsmav's picture
    javsmav
    13

    I think it's possible for a young couple to make it, but it's getting more & more rare these days. I broke up with my college boyfriend at 20 because he wanted to get married & I wasn't ready and I'm so thankful I made that decision. I have changed so much in the last 10 years & I know I would be divorced by now if I married him. Not everyone changes as much as I needed to, but I do think you grow a lot as a person in your 20s. If your lucky and you find someone who grows with you & your marriage gets even stronger, but you also risk growing apart. Of course, marrying later won't guarantee a successful marriage, but I wouldn't give up my single & fabulous (exclamation point) twenties for anything.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • gemsera's picture
    gemsera
    14

    Its not for me, thats for sure. I had NO idea what was going on a few years ago!

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • xxkrist24xx's picture
    xxkrist24xx
    15

    Well, I can be the odd one here! I'm 20 and engaged -- going to be married at 21. I come from a family with divorced parents and my fiance comes from a family with parents who just celebrated their 30th anniversary. We're both ready and excited but we definitely both did a lot of thinking on our own and together before deciding to "take the plunge" or so to speak. Then again, I think that at least for me I've had a lot more real-life situations to deal with than most seniors graduating from college... I've studied abroad (in Argentina), worked and gone to school full time (parents can't help with anything financially), and spent long periods of time with and without the fiance when we were dating. That and I have had so many friends get into unhealthy and unhappy relationships that I can spot one a mile away -- and I know that would be the same with any relationship of mine too.

    Really all I know is that I am always at my best when I am with him. Why would I want to put off being at my best all the time then?

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • Pallas Athena 's picture
    Pallas Athena
    16

    I know that if any of my friends got married at our age then I wouldn't want them too. They aren't mature and certainly wouldn't be ready especially with the number of boyfriends or lack of experience they've had. It has to do with maturity and it is better for them to be financially stable. Even if the marriage does end in divorce it would be better for them if they were truly in love and mature. I know tons of people that are great boyfriend material, but not husband material and aren't very mature even if they're 30.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • allourregrets's picture
    allourregrets
    17

    I agree with everyone that says it depends on how mature you are. I think it also depends on WHY you get married, because alot of young couples get married because they accidently got pregnant, so they think marraige is the best solution.

    My 2 best friends married eachother 2 weeks after she turned 18.Everyone thought they were getting married because she was pregnant, but they were married for a year and half before they started having kids. They have now been married for 6 years and have 3 kids. They did have alot of hard times but I think they figured out that if they were going to make it work they had to grow and change together and support each other. I admire them greatly for making it work.

    On the other hand, my boyfriend and his (x got married when she was 19. They got married because she got pregnant...in my opinion, that is a horrible idea and almost always leads to divorce. Their divorce was just finalized about 2 weeks ago.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • psychobabble's picture
    psychobabble
    18

    I agree that it depends on the couple. My husband and I were 24 when we got married. We've been together since we were 16, going to different schools and colleges. We definitely changed quite a bit over the years, but we were lucky enough to grow and change together. If we had stopped being compatible we would have broken up, but we grew closer and even more compatible.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • j2e1n9's picture
    j2e1n9
    19

    I think it's definitely a bad idea for me, so I thank God all the time that I have listened to my heart and haven't been married yet!

    When I think of the men I would have married by now but didnt... I am just very grateful.

    If I ever have children, I will definitely discourage them from being in a serious couple too soon and/or marrying young.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • SusanTeufel's picture
    SusanTeufel
    20

    I got married 2 weeks ago at 20, my husband was 21.

    We are young, but both of us are very marriage-minded and very ready to be married. It all matters of how prepared you are, is all.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • ehadams's picture
    ehadams
    21

    I think most people should wait until their mid twenties at least- get out of college, get a job, get your own place, figure yourself out, etc. Of course, there are exceptions to everything. But everyone I know who got married early got divorced in a few years. Sad

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • MandyPinecone's picture
    MandyPinecone
    22

    i got married at 21 to an older guy, we are more in love know then were were the day we got married.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • Sun_Sun's picture
    Sun_Sun
    23

    i got married a year ago, a month shy of my 22nd birthday.
    my husband is ten years older.
    i think its great but i also know that its not for everyone.
    really all depends on the maturity level and i also believe the level of independence is important. when i got married i had been independent for several years earlier, so basically i knew who i was, what i wanted and i where i was going. and my husband was very independent and established. so we just merged Smiling

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • GlowingMoon's picture
    GlowingMoon
    24

    It depends on the couple.

    As for me, I think I was ready to marry due to my personal reasons. Firstly, it was something I always wanted. Secondly, I was independent (economically, personally, socially, etc.). Thirdly, my then-boyfriend and I dated for several years, and we made a good couple. He was as independent as I was. I think we had the groundwork (and timing) for a good marriage.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • Muirnea's picture
    Muirnea
    25

    I'm sure some young marriages work, but I don't think it's the best idea, b/c percentage wise I think most of them don't work out. And why rush anyway, if you are young and you think you are with someone that you want to be with forever, why not wait a bit longer and make sure?

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • ajennilynrushhh's picture
    ajennilynrushhh
    27

    i agree that it depends on the couple. i've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we talk about marriage a lot, but we know we're not ready yet. we want to be financially stable and get a place together, and then we'll see what happens from there. we've been together since we were 16 and we're 20 now. our plan is to finish school, get a stable job, then move in together. everyone's plans are different, so i think it depends on the couple.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • jessie's picture
    jessie
    28

    i got married at 19 and he was 21 and that was back in 1996. and we are still together. kids are all had. and we are having the time of our lives. Smiling

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • jessie's picture
    jessie
    29

    oh and we got married because we wanted to..young love. we waited 2 1/2 years before having kids. had all of our kids by the time i was 26.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • ang1885's picture
    ang1885
    30

    Depends. I dated a guy right before I met my husband when I was 18 and if he had proposed I would of been totally surprised because he was just "having fun" and a lot of guys in their 20's are just having fun. I met my husband and he was 23 and I was 18 and I knew on our first date he was my husband. We got married when I was 20 and he was 25 and we're growing but not apart. If anything I know he would support anything I do but that doesn't mean we have to divorce or stop loving each other.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • MartiniLush's picture
    MartiniLush
    31

    LOL, Jessie! I hadn't thought twice about why you got married so young, until I saw your second comment! Sticking out tongue

    My husband and I waited 12 years to have our son! Everyone in the family had given up on us!

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • sarah_bellum's picture
    sarah_bellum
    32

    popgoestheworld makes an excellent point. I read a study a while back by some sociologists saying that the maturity levels of this generation at 25 is about on par with the last generation around 16. I'm kind of hazy about the rest of the article, but from personal experience that conclusion seems about right. So comparing your grandparents and parents' relationships is kind of irrelevant.

    Personally, while I understand that there are exceptions to every rule, I think it's generally a bad move to marry young. Aside from the whole personal development issues that have yet to work themselves out, most people my age (early twenties) are still making a lot of decisions based solely on emotion. There has to be at least some degree of logic and reasoning involved when you are choosing the person you plan on waking up next to 60 years down the line. And with the horrible divorce rate you'd figure those that still believed in marriage would be more apt to hold out until they were out of the risky zone, but I think in some people romanticism cancels out common sense.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • julieulie's picture
    julieulie
    33

    I think maturity is more important than age. My husband and I are young by today's standards (25 & 26) but we are both settled and mature since we are so focused on our occupations. We work constantly (he's a doctor, I'm working towards my Ph.D. in oncology, so we both work 100+ hour weeks) so we never feel like we "gave up" anything when we got married.
    I have a few married friends who miss the single life -- going out with the girls every weekend, partying, etc -- and it's causing them to start to resent the marriage because they settled down too young. Since neither my husband nor I would be doing this on the weekend because we are so career focused, I don't think being young will be to blame if our marriage happens to fail down the line.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • Marci's picture
    Marci
    34

    Well, there are those couples who marry young and make it work. But statistically, the odds are against that. I know only one couple that married at 20 and are still together.

    I believe strongly in marriage, but I also think the the average person doesn't *really* grasp just how long 'till death do us part' can be when they're 20-30. My own opinion is that waiting is better.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • bibliophile's picture
    bibliophile
    35

    I agree with most people here in that I think it depends on the couple. But generally, I think the longer you wait to get married, the better. Lord knows how many times I've had a boyfriend whom I thought I would marry, only to be disappointed or hurt later on when it didn't work out.

    Our 20's is really a time for discovery and growth and risk-taking, and our lives and predilections can change so much between 20-30. After reaching my late 20's, I've come to realize that I have my whole life to be married and there's so much I want and have yet to experience before I make that sort of life-long commitment with someone.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • bibliophile's picture
    bibliophile
    36

    ^Sarah Bellum, I would love to read that article (about how today's 25-year-old is at the same maturity level as our parents were at 16). I tend to believe that statement, as I still don't feel like a proper grown-up yet, even though I'm now the ripe old age of 27!

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • californiagirlx7's picture
    californiagirlx7
    37

    It think it depends on the person and it has a lot to do with maturity. I always wanted to get married in my early-to-mid 20s because I hate dating and I would love to have my kids while I'm still young.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • ohkayla's picture
    ohkayla
    38

    I'm engaged at 22, and I get a ton of BS for it. I've gotten told on numerous occasions "You're still a baby! Don't waste your youth!" I just want to slap those people and say "HEY I've been with my guy for 3 years before we got engaged, and we discussed it and felt we were ready to take the next step in life."

    A little story about being too young, when I was 16 and dated my ex for two and half years, he wanted to get married to me and I was like "BUT there are other people in the sea plus I'm way too young to be engaged or married or even thinking about it, plus I'm not ready." He got pissed about it, by the time I was 17 almost 18 he was planning on asking me to marry him by Christmas(I have a July birthday), we ended up breaking up shortly after he told me his plans because I wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home. That was the best thing that happened to me because weeks later I met my fiance Laughing out loud

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • bonchicbongenre's picture
    bonchicbongenre
    39

    It totally depends on the couple. People mature at different rates, so it is unfair to say that a 20-something is "too young" to get married. Marrying at an older age does not guarantee happiness. My father was 50 and my mother in her late 30s when they got married, and they have a very unhappy marriage. My best friend's parents, however; got married at 18 and are more in love than ever over thirty years later. There is so much more to a relationship than age.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • millarci's picture
    millarci
    40

    Every situation varies. However, I believe you shouldn't marry young. Why tie yourself down at a young age? You have so many years to be married, have children, etc. Put some experience under your belt before settling down.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • italianblonde's picture
    italianblonde
    41

    I used to think I wanted to be married no later than 23. But now that I am older I realize how much I'm still changing from year to year; I'm still forming who I am and I can't possibly see myself being married yet. Though some people just get lucky and meet the right person and mature young, other people just aren't ready. Most young marriages that I know of have ended because of cheating or the other person 'changing'. In fact my 22 year old cousin just told me she's getting divorced after a year of marriage today. But I think it truly does depend on the person, and their willingness to commit and many others things than just on age alone.

    11 weeks 1 day ago Report Comment
  • sparklestar's picture
    sparklestar
    42

    I just laughed out loud at this. I got married to my second ever boyfriend at the age of 17! It was the STUPIDEST thing I ever did. It took me 5 years to get the divorce through because he moved to Germany during his placement year of college and getting the papers signed was a nightmare.

    I think anybody who is under about 25 hasn't had enough life experience in order to get married. I think you need to have your fair share of heart breaks and happiness in order to fully be prepared for what lies ahead.

    You've got to spend the rest of your life with this person after all... how can pre-25 be enough time to truly know you want to do that?

    11 weeks 22 hours ago Report Comment
  • lilwildone1202's picture
    lilwildone1202
    43

    wow i was pretty surprised--i thought everyone was going to say *older*

    personally, i think that its your decision. my best friend got married at 19 and they're still going strong 5 years later.

    i just got married, my husband and i are 24. however, i have been dating (various) men since i was 15--felt like i didnt need to experience anymore (the good, the bad, and the *very* bad). when he and i first started dating--we didnt think it